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Finding the energy

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I sit on the seabus
Late from work
Yet again

Right next
To the sign
Bold red

Life raft
Muster station
No. 2

And I think
To myself
If this thing
Actually sinks

I’m not sure
I could drag
This sorry ass

The ten feet
To safety

Let alone
The hour
It’s going to take
To get home

Shaved my legs for this

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I slid into the shower
Exhausted beyond belief
After a week
Of being

Mother, leader, servant,
Accountant, cook, laundress, advisor
Teacher, Friend, lover,
Constant companion,
And All other positions
Expected

Shampooed, conditioned
Lathered, rinsed
Repeated
Shaved, caved
On my resolve

To be the strong
Independent woman
Who did nothing
For nobody
That didn’t compromise
Herself

Creamed, steamed
Redeemed
While I preened
In the mirror
The shell of self
The world can comprehend

Instead of the beautiful
Woman
Beneath the mask
Hidden from view

So very few
Actually, get to see
And it’s been so long
Since I’ve truly
Gotten to just be me

In this giant sea
Of smoke and mirrors
Hidden meanings
And good intentions

And here I am
All dressed up
For the show

Incredulous
And kicking myself
To think

That I shaved my legs
For this

Fitting my brain into a jar

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My brain melts
Like a fine soy candle
Homemade
With one of those
Tags
Lovingly handwritten
“Made with love”

Smelling
Of good intentions
And misspent wishes
And of course, vanilla

Because all things
Pure
Must smell
Like vanilla

New ages

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Like Humpty Dumpty
I tumbled
Fumbled
Finally fell

All the kings
Horses
And all of his men
Tried to piece me
Back together again

So the doc
Sewed me back
Together
With candy cane
Stitches
And the best wishes

And now
Here I am
I’m born Again
Like a renaissance
Woman

Curves
And curiosity
And love
In all the right places

Blinking 

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Sitting here
Amidst chaos
Paperwork

Meetings
Frantic greetings
One on ones

Emails
Roadmaps

Tapped out
Wrapped in issues

But for a moment
I close these
Tired eyes

Just to see
Your cheeky smile
Warm gaze

Locked with mine
And briefly
Everything’s just fine

Just keep singing 

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Gentle notes
Breathe in
Then out

Where an exhausted
Mind
Would otherwise
Scream obscenities
Cried with ugly snot
Covered blotches

Splotches
Of ragged truths
Too brutal
To hold close
Any longer

Instead these
Softly lyrical soothes
Sayers

Slayers
Of words that otherwise
Would rip
Through silence

Trip across
This turgid tongue
Come undone
By fairytales
And faintly laced
Lies

Hogtied
By those vaguely
Quant
Ties that bind

Love languages
And poetry
That winds along
Every faint line
I drew in the sand

And I softly
Sing along
To the ballad
Ignoring these
Bitter voices
Inside my head

Lies

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Here inside
This aching head
Misfiring synopsis
Wires crossed
Constant dread

The earth
spins on its axis
And me on mine

Dizzying speeds
And crossing lines

He calls me a liar
And maybe
He’s right

Because I don’t
Know what
You are

If I’m being true
I’m not certain
Anymore

Where even
I went
In all this
Chaos

I see glimpses
Of me
In his eyes
Or our laughter

I wish I couldn’t
See me
At all in you

Or in terrors
At darkest
Points of night
Reflect in tears
That drip

Flip to today
Where I play
Ever growing roles
Taking tolls

Until the only lie
Left to say
Is that I’m ok

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