Dear anxiety

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Dear Anxiety,

You and I are old friends. Or are we enemies? It has been so long since we’ve been a silent pair I can’t truly remember a time when we didn’t hang out. I have brief memories of being very young and catching frogs, climbing trees, riding my bike with the wind in my hair and swinging on the playground swing set, my eyes closed and the feeling of flying and utter freedom. I don’t remember you then, I’m not sure when we met.

You and I have been connected so long I am not sure where I end and you begin. You’re like a beautifully tailored coat of armour underneath my skin, where on some days I can even forget that you’re there. When the darkness rolls in I feel you pressing down on my chest, keeping me bound to you. I’ve somehow started using you as a shield, a protection of sorts, the one constant thing I could count on to be there. The problem is that I hide behind you. Underneath you I let the pressure build and my emotions simmer until without warning they bubble over and I go spiraling down.

I yell or lose my cool at the people closest to me. My husband sometimes looks at me like he doesn’t know who I am. My kids feel the sting of my tongue when the volcano that is me erupts when the pressure is just too much. My friends have all the advice in the world on how to get rid of you, or control you. They have no idea that you control me not the other way around. The person that suffers the most is me. I try to manage you, I really do. I thought for a while that I was doing a pretty good job and I got cocky. I got arrogant that I was stronger than you. You certainly showed me. As I smile out at the world and cry silent tears inward. I’m getting pretty good at fooling people.
You made me feel safe for a time when I needed something to hold on to feel SOMETHING. Now you make me feel trapped. Trapped in a prison that I created with you, my inner voice not truly connected with my outer persona. Fun has dwindled to nothing and even the most fun event ceases to break through the barrier. Here I hide, behind you. Safe from nothing, the acid of your tentacles stinging my core. I want to part ways with you, I want to learn not to control you but to demolish you.

Without you I hope to find trust again. Love without the fear of rejection, success without the constant fear of failure and happiness without the constant shadow that it is you. No more lurking in my mind, whispering poison into my ears until I can’t help but believe that I don’t deserve better. I want those I love to know how much I love them, that I trust them, want them near me and want to let go of the past and of you. I want to be able to breathe without pressure, think without doubt and feel without reservation. I am not afraid of fear itself. I am afraid of myself, of who I really am and who I can be without you. I deserve better than you. Most of all I want to believe in myself again. I want to sit on the swing and know without doubt that I deserve all that I’ve worked for, that I AM a beautiful person with a beautiful heart that is worthy of fun and love. I am better without you.



Connecting the dots

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Buttery kisses
Full of
Dungeness crab
Pino Gri
And you

To tongue

I remember
Every last
And every memory

Between this
And the last

Because baby
You’re my connection
The future
And the past

Something stronger required

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Anyplace but here
Where it pushes
From the inside
Trying to get out

Until I wanna shout
But it hurts
too much

To move
To speak
To think
To blink

Anyplace but here
Inside my head
Kinda wishing

I could call
In dead

Wrapped in sunlight
And kisses
And much lighter

Of this painfully
Heavy dread

Mind melt

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Here Inside
This tired mind
Synapsis misfires

And the wires
Get all mixed up

Here inside
This tired mind
I’m trying to find

The reasons
Instead of angry
To be kind

Here inside
This tired mind
Not sure which
To press

Fast forward
Or rewind

Here inside
This tired mind
Perhaps pause

I must confide
It’s a mess
Here inside
This tired mind

Safe places

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Snow drips
Into rain

Bright sunlight
Pours in
Where white feather duvet
Makes way

For our love
To hibernate

Tangled limbs
A new day

In the beauty
Of our nest

In the chaos
We finally
Find some rest

Just a thought:

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The thought of you
From breast to brain
Spreads out
Drives me Insane

Of wanting you
And again
And again

There isn’t
A fibre of this being
That can refrain

From the happy
Little dance
At the very chance
Of locking
Your lips to mine

So incredibly divine
These thoughts
Fill me to the brim

Tingling nerves
Limb to limb

Where these thoughts
Of you roam
Looking for a home